I hope you’re having a beautiful day. ♡
We’re celebrating another ¤ JohnnyO Gratitude Day! ¤

This piece was written to the prompt, “Choose your own adventure. What would happen if you finally got the apology you’ve been waiting for? OR What would happen if you finally made the apology you know you should have long ago?”

My Apologies

Resonation — oh, the healing sound which comes and goes.

In simplistic terms, we’ve all done things we regret, especially if we never got the chance to make amends or express even the slightest contrition.

On the flip side, we have all been resentful and held onto things so minor that we let fruitful relationships die over some petty offense. That’s kind of like cutting off your arm because of a mosquito bite.

As I write this, four-plus years into sobriety, I have experienced both. Many of my shameful transgressions occurred so long ago that the people that I injured are no longer around to hear my apology or witness my recovery.

So, what I resolved to do to assuage my shame (even when I was homeless, uncertain in my next steps), is to repeat a mantra. Iin effect, I was apologizing to the Universe and to those whom I had injured who were now dead and gone.

One of the ways I did this was by picking up trash at bus stops, frequently the trash of others who were sitting right there.

One day, a man with a condescending sneer, asked, “Do you always pick up everyone’s trash?”

I retorted, none too pleasantly, “Do you always throw it?”

It is testimony to my growth as an “apologist” that I didn’t break his empty liquor bottle over his head. Instead, before walking on, I said, “My pleasure, sir” while I thought, “Thank you, Spirit.”

I don’t need to catch another case, especially after all of my humble apologies to you and those I have injured in the Ether.

My present role in life is high effort, low return. Yet, it can be looked at thusly: The services I am rendering now are my day-by-day, hour-by-hour walk with apology.

I think what occurs today, even the minor wins, is this: When someone lets me down now, I am able to respond and emphasize communication, honesty, empathy, and vulnerability so that they can feel it and believe it.

It’s OK to be you. Just be real. If you can’t own it, don’t do it.

That’s the only apology I need.