MIRACLE

I recently (July 30, 2018) had a quite miraculous turnaround in my own mental health. I wrote about it on my personal site in a poem called Transformation, a series of haiku verses.

If you don’t like poetry, bottom line is, I no longer have the title of “agoraphobic” or someone with “panic disorder.” I’m free!  I feel like I have been let out of prison after 18 years. In both the literal and figurative sense, I really have been.

I went to the supermarket three times in the first week AT (After Transformation — which is cool because one of my Lifetime Aspirations is to hike the entire AT).  So AT, first week – shopping was a high.  I had to use an electric cart, but — wait. What am I saying? I got to use one. 🙂 Those things are fun!  I couldn’t get enough of being out.  I was zipping all over the store, smiling at literally everyone. I must have looked a bit insane.  I puttered up to displays, delighted by the color and variety.

“Cereal, I’ve missed you!” and “Oh! I forgot how many soups there are!”

Crazy lady. =)

I did shopping alone this past weekend while my husband did a Home Depot run. Paid and everything. Go me!  I feel like a kid again, when all this was new and I was brand new to being semi-independent.  I feel like me again, like my old brain is back, except with none of the old tapes screaming at me.

I’m so incredibly grateful and filled with so much joy.  You know what’s really weird?  I woke up sobbing from a nightmare about Ben three nights ago.  This happens about once or twice a month maybe.  Since I learned how to sit with this grief and fear and let it pass through, it’s not nearly as hard.  But the amazing thing to me was, even I was filled with grief, missing my son so much, and feeling like my heart was shattering, I still felt that incredible joy and gratitude — at the same time.  I didn’t even know such a thing was possible.

I’m not afraid anymore.  The changes I have been making feel so natural, almost effortless. I feel like I have slipped into someone, at last, I was always meant to be, and that it will only get better.

I’ve been able to clean and cook and shop and go out to lunch with my son — things I’ve missed because I felt so depressed by this “mind-frak” as I called it that I couldn’t bring myself to do much of anything.  My house has light flowing in, both literally and metaphorically.  My meals are healthy and we don’t eat out so much.  I feel like an actual human being again.

Best of all, this has helped my youngest son.  We’re taking voice acting lessons together from a coach on Simbi.  My son has such a beautiful voice, spoken and singing, and voice acting has been a dream of his.  He really admires people like Tony Jay — one of the best voice actors of all time.  I love my son’s company and I’m so proud of the compassionate and kind young man he is.  He has very dear friends, and when I see them together, I see the same gentleness and kindness with them that he has always shown to me.

My husband is happier too – my hero.  I never felt good enough for him, ever.  That was my hangup. Of course I am.  He is one of the best men I have ever known and he’s never complained this entire time we’ve been through this. He’s had to do all the shopping, take me to any doctor visits, just so much.  Now he’s freer, and this makes me so incredibly happy too.  We’re partners again.

A New Challenge

It’s good to notice my world, to see endless reasons for joy and gratitude, and to be a part of it.  I’m so glad I didn’t wait too long.  I have new medical challenges, but thanks to my ability to get to doctors and labs, I am finally getting these addressed.

One tool that has helped me more than any in my life so far is a daily email from a beautiful soul Heather Noëll.  About a month ago, my friend Bob recommended her free eCourse TheGivingGameFoundation.com.  It comes with a daily email to a page of really brilliant tools. I committed an hour a day to study beginning a month ago, and I am certain this also helped me to come through that gate of transformation.

I am grateful for this moment now.  I am grateful that every choice I make today is creating tomorrow. I’m grateful for this beautiful corner of the world, here on under1000skies where we are connected.

I’m grateful for you dear person reading this right now. ♥.

With love and hugs and smiles and joy,

Niki Flow, Volunteer Coordinator

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